Alone vs. Lonely

I have never had a problem being alone.  Maybe it's because I am an only child...who knows. I don't generally NEED to have people around me.  I am secure with myself and being by myself and I am thankful for that.

I've always maintained that there is a big difference in being alone and being lonely.  While I am comfortable with the first, the latter is one of my biggest fears.  The thought of feeling lonely for an extended period of time truly scares me.  Days like today remind me of that.

I am faced with a decision that only I can make and that has no right or wrong answer.  You would think that would make it easier, but it doesn't.  Advice doesn't help.  What someone else would do doesn't matter.  And the shitty thing is I won't know the impact of my decision until there is no chance to change it.  My only saving grace is that the decision is mine alone to deal with...no repercussions for anyone else.  And that is a very lonely place to be.

Today, I am both alone and lonely...

The Inner-Monologue of An Insomniac

The thoughts that run through my mind at 2:47 am...

Prevailing wages

Awesomesauce

I should have taken Ambien.  Why can't I remember to get Unisom when I'm at the store?

Maybe we won't play ball this weekend (don't tell Drew or Ethan I said that)

Dear Universe...I trust you and I have faith

Maybe I should get up and write.  It may help me actually go to sleep.  But then again, it could also really wake me up and I don't feel really awake, I just can't sleep.  

Stupid weather. Thanks for the cold.

Why am I addicted to Candy Crush?  Stupid game with your limited lives...why must you torture me so?

I should be researching how to sell jewelry instead of writing this.

One more week until payday and a haircut!!!  I'll chicken out on the style I showed Jenni.  Do I really want bangs??

Shit...I just remembered the Staples meeting at 1:00 today.  Must call and cancel.  Cannot trust overly sarcastic attitude of late around overly nerve-grating sales girl.  Email self at work to remind.  

Cindy will be here this weekend!!

I need to take the baseball polish job off my toes.

Monday Playlist: Home

Dorothy said it best...

I'm a firm believer that home is just a building, shelter, or house.  Home is a comfort you feel deep down in your soul when you are somewhere or with someone.  I feel at home when I am with my friends, at the ball field watching E play, reading a good book, or in my bed (wherever that may be).  

Just because the physical location of my home changes, doesn't mean the new place is any less of a home.  It's all about what you make it and the love you feel when you are there.  I've had a few homes in my life, all of which I have loved equally for different reasons.  The one binding factor has been my love for the people I have shared these homes with.  

Phillip Phillips - Home

Marc Broussard - Home

Michael Buble - Home

Adele - Hometown Glory

Miranda Lambert - The House That Built Me

Of Monsters and Men - Lakehouse

Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros - Home

ZZ Ward - Home

The Day I Was Shunned at the Library

Picture it...Georgia...February 14, 2013...(because let's face it, all good stories start like this!)

It's Valentine's Day and I'm single.  All I want to do is go to the library, find a good book, go home and read with a bottle glass of wine.  But apparently, that was too much to ask for.  

I work 6 miles away from home, which in my neck of the woods is just about unheard of.  On about mile 3 of the trek, there is a HUGE library that I was itching to go to.  A friend had recommended a book that I thought I could sink my teeth into, so I stop on my way home from work, list in hand.  As I walk through the doors, the smell of books hits me like a train...I'm in heaven.  I peruse the shelves for about 30 minutes, finally deciding on 3 books and make my way to the circulation desk where the following conversation ensues:

Me: Hi, I'd like to check these books out, please.

Mr. Librarian: Oh, sure thing.  You'll need to come around to the other side of the desk.

Me: {as I approach the other side} Oh, I also need to get a library card.

Mr. L: Shoot!  I'm so sorry, but you'll have to come back to the other side for that!

Me: No problem {make my way back to the other side and sit down}

Mr. L: Ok, I'll just need you to fill this out and I'll need to see something with your address on it.

Me: Ummm {frantically rumaging through the pit of despair my purse} OH!  Here's a bill with my address.  Will this work?

Mr. L: {suddenly gets a look on his face like he has smelled something rotten...} Ummmmmm....A-man-da?

Me: Yes?

Mr. L: Yeah, you live in the city of M.

Me: Yes, I do.

Mr. L: Well, this is the City of S Library...

Me: Ok...

Mr. L: Um, you have to actually be a resident of the City of S to get a card here.

**Let me take a moment to just remind you that this library is literally 3 miles away from my house.  Let me also say that when I am at my house and post something on Facebook, if I am upstairs, it posts as the City of S and downstairs is the city of M.  Oh, and let's not forget that they are in the same county.  But I digress...

Me: Really?  I live 3 miles away from here.  *I wanted to add that it was ok for him to talk to me like a normal human being and not like he was going to catch some infectious disease because I lived in M.  But alas, these are things that we think but do not say.

Mr. L: Yeah, well, you have to live in the City of S to get a free card here.

Me: Oh, ok...well, how much is a card?  

Mr. L: Yeah, it's $40 a month.  Or you can choose one of these libraries and get a free card {hands me a list of libraries in M with as little of his fingers actually touching the paper as possible}

Me:  I'll take the list...here are the books.

And there you have it...the day I was shunned at the library.  Sigh...

Monday Playlist - Tip Top

Someone recently asked me where I find the music I love and my immediate response was "I don't find the music, it finds me."  Pretty deep, huh?!  I was pretty proud  of myself for that one.  I feel like the right song comes into my life at the right time.  It's kinda crazy actually.  

Anyway, I recently added my iTunes to a new computer and noticed that they tell you the number of times a song has been played on your device (iPhone for me).  I thought I'd share the cream of the crop today from songs I have purchased.  Enjoy!!

Brandie Carlile - The Story  

Florence + The Machine - Shake It Out (shocker, I know)

Florence + The Machine - Dog Days Are Over 

Snow Patrol - Crack the Shutters  

Taylor Swift & The Civil Wars - Safe & Sound 

Van Morrison - Into the Mystic 

Over the Rhine - Latter Days  

Amos Lee - Careless 

Brandie Carlile - Wasted  

Citizen Cope - One Lovely Day

The Civil Wars - To Whom It May Concern 

Damien Rice - The Blower's Daughter 

Kings of Leon - Closer 

ZZ Ward - Last Love Song 

Rufus Wainwright - Hallelujah

Marc Cohn - Walking in Memphis

Found here

Dear Universe...

I've heard before that sometimes all you need to do is put an idea out in the universe for the wheels to start turning and the idea to come to fruition, so here goes nothing...

Dear Universe,

It's time.  No, really...it is.  I'm ready for a relationship, or at least some semblance of one.  It doesn't even have to be the forever relationship.  But more than just a few dates, I beg you.  

The lesson has been learned from the jerks, losers, and all the other totally unmentionable names that we called these jerks behind closed doors but never in mixed company.  I know now to trust my gut at all costs and not hold on to what could be when it's just not there.  

Someone once told me that the beginning of a relationship should be flawless.  I agree...to some extent.  But as Paul Rieser said in the show Mad About You "Look, there's always gonna be stuff.  I put up with your crap and you put up with my crap."  There's always gonna be crap...it's finding the person who's crap you are willing to put up with.  Well, I'm ready to put up with someone's crap (as long as that crap doesn't involve a wife, girlfriend or record).

I'm done with the guys that say one thing when they mean something completely different.  The guy that says they want a relationship when in reality they just want to get you in their bed.  The guy that isn't enough of a man to actually admit that he isn't interested instead of just falling off the face of the earth.  

I'm ready for the man that will follow through, accept me for who I am, and actually make an effort.  One that doesn't believe that chivalry is dead or that texting is the only form of communication.  

So, dear Universe, I'm sending you this message, in hopes that you might be listening.  In the hope that you might send a man my way...one that will stick around for a while.  One that gives a damn and is worth a damn.  I hope it's not too much to ask, cause I think it's time.

Sincerely,
Amanda

It's Totally OK!

Back in the game and linking up with Amber and Neely for "It's OK" Thursday!




So this Thursday, I'm saying "It's OK..."
...to have taken a little hiatus from blogging
...to be wearing contacts that are pushing 6 months old and glasses that are at least 15 years old (thank goodness for the eye doctor appointment I have tomorrow!!)
...that I am so ready to wear flip flops I could SCREAM!!!!
...to wonder where all these "Hey Girl" pictures featuring Ryan Gosling originated from
...that I have never seen an episode of the Walking Dead or Duck Dynasty
...to have a secret board on Pinterest from things that I think others would find totally inappropriate and may judge me for
...that office supplies make me happy
...to question the doctor about the meds they prescribe
...to keep asking "Is it Friday yet?"

[flurt]

I did a lot of flirting tonight.  To be more specific, I did two different kinds of flirting.  There was the typical flirting...what you are probably thinking of.  I had a date, so of course I did my fair share of smiling, hair flipping, and coy glances. There may have even been a lip biting moment thrown in, just for good measure.  At this point, I will say that flirting was a success. We ended the night discussing when we would be able to see each other again.  I left with butterflies in my belly and a silly grin on my face...just like last time.

You see, this isn't the first time I've been on a date with this person.  The first date was a few months back.  Everything appeared to have gone well.  We talked often in the week after.  And then, like so many others, he just fell off the face of the earth.  Phone calls and text messages went unanswered.  And I had no idea why.

That leads me to the second kind of flirting.  Instead of flirting with someone else, I was flirting with myself...my own thoughts toying with each other.  I'm flirting with that very thin line between going with the flow and opening myself up to potentially getting burned...again.

I firmly believe there is a reason he left my life when he did a reason why he came back.  Do I know what those reasons are?  Nope...and I'm ok with that.  I'm learned that some things will happen in life that we maybe aren't meant to fully understand the meaning behind.  I have found peace in that line of thinking and I feel like my life has become less stressful.  

But the question is...how to you create a balance and keep from being made a fool of or being taken advantage of? I've been burned by this before (you may remember the guy I was referring to in this post...yep, he came back in the picture, but that's a story for another day).  The long and the short of that story is I should have stuck with my gut feeling from the start.  Learned that lesson the hard way for sure.  

At this moment, I am being optimistically caution.  He is exactly what I remember and I'm hoping this isn't another lesson.  I didn't ask what happened before.  Honestly, I don't know if it really even matters to me.  I think I'd rather live in and enjoy the now than dwell on the past...and hope I don't get burned again.

Like My New Look??

I have to give a HUGE thank you to Amy from The Suburban Blender for creating my fabulous new banner and button!  She was a dream to work with and I love what she has created!

Side note: Going on hiatus for a few.  Started my new job today, so I have no idea what my days are looking like and I don't have internet access at my new place just yet.  Love to you all for your well wishes!!!

Is This Thing On?? And...It's Ok Thursday

Sorry I have been a little absent this past week.  It's been a bit of a roller coaster, but I am proud to report that I GOT THE JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I had an interview last Tuesday and got word this past Tuesday that they pick me!  Honestly, I was a little nervous when I was told that it was just myself and one other person interviewing and it would most likely come down to personality.  
Have you ever had to take one of those personality assessment tests?  They suck!  And I never do well on them because frankly...I'm too honest.  Not in the "I'm such a good person" way, but in the no filter, brutal way.  I know what employers want to hear, but that's not always reality.  And the idea of asking someone the same question 5 times and changing the wording ever so slightly to see if they will give the same answer every time...UGH! Anyway, getting off that soapbox and onto "It's Ok"

It's Ok...

to be completely over all the political talk on Facebook.

that I got $10 to spend at Starbucks for only $5 from LivingSocial (really...more than ok!)

to have watched some of the dances from last night's So You Think You Can Dance a few times.

to be sooo excited for the changes that will be happening to this here blog soon :)

that I am not really sad about my last day at current work.  I'll miss the people, but I am so ready to get a move on.

that I slept for almost 12 hours one night this past weekend.

to get caught singing in my car at the top of my lungs because I forgot the window was cracked.  

that I am so far behind in reading and commenting on blogs...I'm sorry :(

Hey Blog Star, I'm Amanda!!

Welcome to my little corner of the blog world!  Thanks for stopping by!!
My name is Amanda; I am a thirty-something, recently divorced, momma of an almost 6 year old.  I just found out (literally 10 seconds ago) that I will be starting a new job on Monday!!!!  I feel like things are finally starting to come together for me after a roller coaster of a year.  
Check out these posts to get to find out a little more about me...
Today Is The Day: A Divorced Girl's Commencement Speech Taking Back Happy Thirty Four in Thirty Four I'm Not Your Baby - The Dating Game Part 2
Thanks again for stopping by!  I hope you'll join me on this crazy journey that I like to call life.  

Today Is The Day: A Divorced Girl's Commencement Speech

Today is the day I start writing a new chapter book in my life.

Today is the day I reclaim a part of me.

Today is the day the not-yet-ex becomes the ex.

Today is the day I remind myself that I am the only one in charge of my happiness.  

Today is the day I no longer check the "married" box.

Today is the day I stand on my own two feet and love myself for who I am, what I've become, and what I am yet to be.

Today is the day I tell myself that I will not compromise the value of myself and I will not settle for anything less than I deserve because I am worth a damn.

Today is the day I start exchanging "what ifs" for "oh wells"

Today is the day I wipe my slate clean.

Today is the day I celebrate 8 (mostly) good years  and everything those years have brought me and taught me.  

Today is the day I shake all of the devils off my back so I can dance, just like Flo said to do.

Today is the day I choose to shine.

Today is the day I wrap myself up in a bow, flaws and all, and say, "Here world, I have something pretty great for you."

OHP...Words To Remember

Seriously?  When is spell check going to figure out that Pinterest is a word!?!?!

Thoughts Worth Thinking...

From http://wildandcrazylife.tumblr.com via Kayla

From http://angakingsining.tumblr.com via Rukmani

From http://losing-every-extra-pound.tumblr.com via Cyrena

From http://my-heart-is-in-this.tumblr.com via Laura

From https://www.facebook.com via Missy

From http://iwastesomuchtime.com via Melissa

Need more?  Visit my Thoughts Worth Thinking board on Pinterest!!

Silly String War

Love You, More, Bunches, Most

Every night that E isn't with me, he calls me when he is going to bed.  We talk about his day at school and he asks me what I did at work (which is almost always the same thing).  Our conversation always ends with...

E: Ok, I love you.

Me: I love you more.

E: Bunches.

Me: Most.

E: You say it.

Me: I love you.

E: More.

Me: Bunches.

E: Most.

Sigh...I love this little dude of mine to pieces...grainy self portraits and all.

Oh, How Pinteresting - Giggles

By now, you know what Wednesday means..."Oh, How Pinteresting" with Michelle over at The Vintage Apple. I'm a little moody today so let's go with some giggles for a little pick me up, shall we?  

Source: southernsororitygirl.tumblr.com/ via CM

Source: someecards.com via Michele

Source: pkeen.tumblr.com via Sarah

Source: someecards.com via Lisa

Source: http://goodthingsarewildandfree.tumblr.com via  Erin

Source: http://media-cache-ec3.pinterest.com via Carrie

Southern Mamas Blog Hop...Join Us, Y'all!

Welcome Y'all! To the first ever Southern Mamas blog hop! The purpose of this blog hop is to mix and mingle with mamas who have, secretly desired, or are currently living on Southern soil. So grab a glass of sweet tea and follow along!

The Rules:

1. Follow the hostesses
Megan  {Host}
Sonja  {Co-Host}
Missi  {Co-Host}
Amanda  {Co-Host}
2. Visit at least 4 blogs and say hello! 3. Grab a button and spread the word 4. Have fun now, ya hear! *** If you are interested in co-hosting, feel free to email me***

Me, Myself, and I

1. What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?
Become a photographer or a chef.  It's a toss up.  Maybe both.

2. If you had only six months left to live, what would you do with the time?
Lots of traveling...go on a cruise with my girlfriends, take E to Disney again, spend some time in Italy and traveling Europe, and spend time with the family.  And maybe skydiving, but that would be towards the end of the 6 months...you know...just in case ;)

3. If a front page news article was written on you, what would the headline be?
At this moment...

Single mom literally pulls her hair out in a frustrated rage

4. What is your biggest pet peeve?
Whistling

5. What is your favorite chick flick movie?

Somewhere In Time.  A young Christopher Reeves...need I say more?

Found on imdb.com

 

Monday Playlist

I can't seem to focus today.  My mind is wandering and I can't reel it in.  The worst part...I have no control over the thing that is occupying my thoughts.  Guess the only thing left to do is to throw on some tunes during my lunch break...

I Will Wait - Mumford & Sons (seriously think I'm in love with this song)

Back Down South - Kings of Leon

Hey Mama - Mat Kearney

You and Tequila - Kenny Chesney

Blow Me (One Last Kiss) - P!nk

Hold On - Alabama Shakes (can't get enough!)

One Lovely Day - Citizen Cope

Dog Days Are Over - Florence + The Machine

Home - Philip Philips

Into The Wild - LP

Eyes Open - Taylor Swift

Teeth - Lady GaGa

Barton Hollow - The Civil Wars

Taking Back Happy

I've thought about writing this post for a while; I have to give huge thanks to Daddy Doin' Work and his Achieve Happy post for opening the door and pulling this out of me.

A little over a year ago, I took the first step to taking back happy for myself.  Since then, I've been floundering a little.  As some parts of my life have become happier, others have suffered I have let others suffer.  Now, I'm taking it all back!

Step 1: Stop worrying about what other people think

One of the hardest parts of the past year has been being away from E and not seeing him smile every day.  I miss him to pieces on a daily an hourly basis.  I've spent countless days worrying what the long term effects are going to be on my relationship with E.  Will he hate me?  To get a sense of what it feels like, just listen to this...

I have beat myself senseless defending my actions to people in hopes that they will see that I was actually being selfless for having E stay with his dad.  No more.  It doesn't matter what other people think about me.  I've made the best decisions for myself and my child and I'm over the judgement of anyone else.

Step 2: Re-discover my happy place...and live there often!

Scrapbooking used to be my happy place.  It was my escape and creative outlet.  I haven't visited this happy place in longer than I can remember.  I've tried to force myself to get crafty.  I'll get everything set up, sit down at the table, and just stare at everything.  I've been too concerned about things being perfect instead of just letting go and being fearless about "messing up."  And, honestly, in the beginning, it was really hard to look at all of the pictures of the happy times from the past.  So I've decided that instead of dwelling on how things were, I will celebrate them!  

Step 3: Disconnect to reconnect

Anyone that knows my knows that my phone is always within arm's reach.  I am constantly checking for texts and emails...just in case.  In the beginning, I told myself that I had to have my phone close in case anything happened to E.  But you know what?  His dad is completely capable of handling things (duh...since E lives with him).  And as far as the texts...I need to stop depending on other people to make me happy.  

Step 4: Find things that make me happy

Last night I was thinking "What can I do for me that will make me happy?"  So I jumped on the internet, pulled up the site for the local Humane Society, and signed up to volunteer.  They called this morning and I will be attending the orientation meeting on Tuesday.  And this weekend, I plan on starting my re-discovery of my happy place.  I have been purging my "scrap stash" over the past few weeks (to keep from getting overwhelmed) and am ready to dig in.  And finally, I'm going to start cooking again.  

What makes YOU happy??

I'll end this post with my horoscope for today, since it seems fitting:  Today will offer you the opportunity to make new friends or to strengthen existing friendships.  Your good mood will make the day a pleasant and memorable experience for everybody you meet.