Alone vs. Lonely

I have never had a problem being alone.  Maybe it's because I am an only child...who knows. I don't generally NEED to have people around me.  I am secure with myself and being by myself and I am thankful for that.

I've always maintained that there is a big difference in being alone and being lonely.  While I am comfortable with the first, the latter is one of my biggest fears.  The thought of feeling lonely for an extended period of time truly scares me.  Days like today remind me of that.

I am faced with a decision that only I can make and that has no right or wrong answer.  You would think that would make it easier, but it doesn't.  Advice doesn't help.  What someone else would do doesn't matter.  And the shitty thing is I won't know the impact of my decision until there is no chance to change it.  My only saving grace is that the decision is mine alone to deal with...no repercussions for anyone else.  And that is a very lonely place to be.

Today, I am both alone and lonely...

The Inner-Monologue of An Insomniac

The thoughts that run through my mind at 2:47 am...

Prevailing wages

Awesomesauce

I should have taken Ambien.  Why can't I remember to get Unisom when I'm at the store?

Maybe we won't play ball this weekend (don't tell Drew or Ethan I said that)

Dear Universe...I trust you and I have faith

Maybe I should get up and write.  It may help me actually go to sleep.  But then again, it could also really wake me up and I don't feel really awake, I just can't sleep.  

Stupid weather. Thanks for the cold.

Why am I addicted to Candy Crush?  Stupid game with your limited lives...why must you torture me so?

I should be researching how to sell jewelry instead of writing this.

One more week until payday and a haircut!!!  I'll chicken out on the style I showed Jenni.  Do I really want bangs??

Shit...I just remembered the Staples meeting at 1:00 today.  Must call and cancel.  Cannot trust overly sarcastic attitude of late around overly nerve-grating sales girl.  Email self at work to remind.  

Cindy will be here this weekend!!

I need to take the baseball polish job off my toes.

Monday Playlist: Home

Dorothy said it best...

I'm a firm believer that home is just a building, shelter, or house.  Home is a comfort you feel deep down in your soul when you are somewhere or with someone.  I feel at home when I am with my friends, at the ball field watching E play, reading a good book, or in my bed (wherever that may be).  

Just because the physical location of my home changes, doesn't mean the new place is any less of a home.  It's all about what you make it and the love you feel when you are there.  I've had a few homes in my life, all of which I have loved equally for different reasons.  The one binding factor has been my love for the people I have shared these homes with.  

Phillip Phillips - Home

Marc Broussard - Home

Michael Buble - Home

Adele - Hometown Glory

Miranda Lambert - The House That Built Me

Of Monsters and Men - Lakehouse

Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros - Home

ZZ Ward - Home

The Day I Was Shunned at the Library

Picture it...Georgia...February 14, 2013...(because let's face it, all good stories start like this!)

It's Valentine's Day and I'm single.  All I want to do is go to the library, find a good book, go home and read with a bottle glass of wine.  But apparently, that was too much to ask for.  

I work 6 miles away from home, which in my neck of the woods is just about unheard of.  On about mile 3 of the trek, there is a HUGE library that I was itching to go to.  A friend had recommended a book that I thought I could sink my teeth into, so I stop on my way home from work, list in hand.  As I walk through the doors, the smell of books hits me like a train...I'm in heaven.  I peruse the shelves for about 30 minutes, finally deciding on 3 books and make my way to the circulation desk where the following conversation ensues:

Me: Hi, I'd like to check these books out, please.

Mr. Librarian: Oh, sure thing.  You'll need to come around to the other side of the desk.

Me: {as I approach the other side} Oh, I also need to get a library card.

Mr. L: Shoot!  I'm so sorry, but you'll have to come back to the other side for that!

Me: No problem {make my way back to the other side and sit down}

Mr. L: Ok, I'll just need you to fill this out and I'll need to see something with your address on it.

Me: Ummm {frantically rumaging through the pit of despair my purse} OH!  Here's a bill with my address.  Will this work?

Mr. L: {suddenly gets a look on his face like he has smelled something rotten...} Ummmmmm....A-man-da?

Me: Yes?

Mr. L: Yeah, you live in the city of M.

Me: Yes, I do.

Mr. L: Well, this is the City of S Library...

Me: Ok...

Mr. L: Um, you have to actually be a resident of the City of S to get a card here.

**Let me take a moment to just remind you that this library is literally 3 miles away from my house.  Let me also say that when I am at my house and post something on Facebook, if I am upstairs, it posts as the City of S and downstairs is the city of M.  Oh, and let's not forget that they are in the same county.  But I digress...

Me: Really?  I live 3 miles away from here.  *I wanted to add that it was ok for him to talk to me like a normal human being and not like he was going to catch some infectious disease because I lived in M.  But alas, these are things that we think but do not say.

Mr. L: Yeah, well, you have to live in the City of S to get a free card here.

Me: Oh, ok...well, how much is a card?  

Mr. L: Yeah, it's $40 a month.  Or you can choose one of these libraries and get a free card {hands me a list of libraries in M with as little of his fingers actually touching the paper as possible}

Me:  I'll take the list...here are the books.

And there you have it...the day I was shunned at the library.  Sigh...

Monday Playlist - Tip Top

Someone recently asked me where I find the music I love and my immediate response was "I don't find the music, it finds me."  Pretty deep, huh?!  I was pretty proud  of myself for that one.  I feel like the right song comes into my life at the right time.  It's kinda crazy actually.  

Anyway, I recently added my iTunes to a new computer and noticed that they tell you the number of times a song has been played on your device (iPhone for me).  I thought I'd share the cream of the crop today from songs I have purchased.  Enjoy!!

Brandie Carlile - The Story  

Florence + The Machine - Shake It Out (shocker, I know)

Florence + The Machine - Dog Days Are Over 

Snow Patrol - Crack the Shutters  

Taylor Swift & The Civil Wars - Safe & Sound 

Van Morrison - Into the Mystic 

Over the Rhine - Latter Days  

Amos Lee - Careless 

Brandie Carlile - Wasted  

Citizen Cope - One Lovely Day

The Civil Wars - To Whom It May Concern 

Damien Rice - The Blower's Daughter 

Kings of Leon - Closer 

ZZ Ward - Last Love Song 

Rufus Wainwright - Hallelujah

Marc Cohn - Walking in Memphis

Found here

Dear Universe...

I've heard before that sometimes all you need to do is put an idea out in the universe for the wheels to start turning and the idea to come to fruition, so here goes nothing...

Dear Universe,

It's time.  No, really...it is.  I'm ready for a relationship, or at least some semblance of one.  It doesn't even have to be the forever relationship.  But more than just a few dates, I beg you.  

The lesson has been learned from the jerks, losers, and all the other totally unmentionable names that we called these jerks behind closed doors but never in mixed company.  I know now to trust my gut at all costs and not hold on to what could be when it's just not there.  

Someone once told me that the beginning of a relationship should be flawless.  I agree...to some extent.  But as Paul Rieser said in the show Mad About You "Look, there's always gonna be stuff.  I put up with your crap and you put up with my crap."  There's always gonna be crap...it's finding the person who's crap you are willing to put up with.  Well, I'm ready to put up with someone's crap (as long as that crap doesn't involve a wife, girlfriend or record).

I'm done with the guys that say one thing when they mean something completely different.  The guy that says they want a relationship when in reality they just want to get you in their bed.  The guy that isn't enough of a man to actually admit that he isn't interested instead of just falling off the face of the earth.  

I'm ready for the man that will follow through, accept me for who I am, and actually make an effort.  One that doesn't believe that chivalry is dead or that texting is the only form of communication.  

So, dear Universe, I'm sending you this message, in hopes that you might be listening.  In the hope that you might send a man my way...one that will stick around for a while.  One that gives a damn and is worth a damn.  I hope it's not too much to ask, cause I think it's time.

Sincerely,
Amanda

It's Totally OK!

Back in the game and linking up with Amber and Neely for "It's OK" Thursday!




So this Thursday, I'm saying "It's OK..."
...to have taken a little hiatus from blogging
...to be wearing contacts that are pushing 6 months old and glasses that are at least 15 years old (thank goodness for the eye doctor appointment I have tomorrow!!)
...that I am so ready to wear flip flops I could SCREAM!!!!
...to wonder where all these "Hey Girl" pictures featuring Ryan Gosling originated from
...that I have never seen an episode of the Walking Dead or Duck Dynasty
...to have a secret board on Pinterest from things that I think others would find totally inappropriate and may judge me for
...that office supplies make me happy
...to question the doctor about the meds they prescribe
...to keep asking "Is it Friday yet?"

[flurt]

I did a lot of flirting tonight.  To be more specific, I did two different kinds of flirting.  There was the typical flirting...what you are probably thinking of.  I had a date, so of course I did my fair share of smiling, hair flipping, and coy glances. There may have even been a lip biting moment thrown in, just for good measure.  At this point, I will say that flirting was a success. We ended the night discussing when we would be able to see each other again.  I left with butterflies in my belly and a silly grin on my face...just like last time.

You see, this isn't the first time I've been on a date with this person.  The first date was a few months back.  Everything appeared to have gone well.  We talked often in the week after.  And then, like so many others, he just fell off the face of the earth.  Phone calls and text messages went unanswered.  And I had no idea why.

That leads me to the second kind of flirting.  Instead of flirting with someone else, I was flirting with myself...my own thoughts toying with each other.  I'm flirting with that very thin line between going with the flow and opening myself up to potentially getting burned...again.

I firmly believe there is a reason he left my life when he did a reason why he came back.  Do I know what those reasons are?  Nope...and I'm ok with that.  I'm learned that some things will happen in life that we maybe aren't meant to fully understand the meaning behind.  I have found peace in that line of thinking and I feel like my life has become less stressful.  

But the question is...how to you create a balance and keep from being made a fool of or being taken advantage of? I've been burned by this before (you may remember the guy I was referring to in this post...yep, he came back in the picture, but that's a story for another day).  The long and the short of that story is I should have stuck with my gut feeling from the start.  Learned that lesson the hard way for sure.  

At this moment, I am being optimistically caution.  He is exactly what I remember and I'm hoping this isn't another lesson.  I didn't ask what happened before.  Honestly, I don't know if it really even matters to me.  I think I'd rather live in and enjoy the now than dwell on the past...and hope I don't get burned again.