Wednesday, July 4, 2012

The Day My Heart Broke

(originally written 2/26/12)

This is the part they can't prepare you for.  People can talk abut how hard divorce is and being away from your child.  And you nod, shake your head and say "I know" but you really don't .  The little stings here and there...digs from the person that loved you fr so long.  "He'd never do that," and he does.  He does the thing he could never stand.  And it stings a little, but you move on.  But this time...this utter heart break and heart ache.  Salty tears, uncontrollable tears, and the breaths that tear at your heart.  NO ONE can prepare you for this.  And like fingerprints, it happens and fits differently for everyone.  For me, it happened today, in the car, at my old home, after a great weekend.  Today is the day that my son, my precious 5 year old boy, said that someone else was like his mommy.  "She parks in your space because you don't live here anymore.  She's like my mommy."  It didn't totally hit me right then.  Denial.  "No, son you only have one mommy and that's me."  He smiles, we go on.  It's only when I'm by myself that I really start to process.  A few small sobs here and there.  But then it hits - the actual feeling of your heart breaking.  And it sucks the life out of you.  Not in one breath, because that wouldn't hurt.  I must be dead.  I can't breathe, my heart is racing - sprinting - and the tears have drowned my eyes.  At some point, a panic-like feeling slips in, thinking you will always feel like this.  I'm not sure when the hurt will pass.  And then a song hits.  Seal's Love's Divine comes on.  "And then the rain storm came over me, and I felt my spirit break.  I had lost all of my belief you see, and realized my mistake."  The power of a song still amazes me.  Bob Marley said "One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain." Couldn't have said it better myself.


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