The Dating Game

One of the results of getting divorced is being thrown back into the world of dating.  Yippee! Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I still believe in getting to know someone for who they really are and trying to make a connection.  Is that too much to ask?  Just join the world of online dating and you will see that the answer is YES!!


With age, I've lost most of my patience for people that are supposed to be grown-ups.  I made a rule a while back that I would respond to anyone that sent me a message (unless the initial urge was to block their sorry asses).  I figured, if a stranger stopped me on the street and told me I was pretty, I would say thank you.  Yeah...thinking of reconsidering this little rule.  


So here are some tips I've come up with over the past few months.  Grab a drink, prop your feet up, and know that I couldn't make up some of this stuff if I tried :)


Let's talk about pictures first, shall we?  After all, this is the ultimate first impression.  I wish I could post some of the ones I've seen...they are classic!


1. Pay attention to what is in the background - I may not have the best attention to detail, but if you have a piles of dirty clothes on the bed, dishes on the nightstand, and crap all over the floor in the background of your picture, odds are I'm not gonna be wanting to go out with you.  I'm not your momma or a maid.


2. Identify yourself - I know, sounds silly when you are talking about pictures, but I can't tell you how many people have only one picture on their profile and there is more than one person in the picture.    


3. Yes, I realize that the site says "Post pictures showing you having fun" but they don't all have to involve drinking!!  Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a frosty beverage as much as anyone, but 5 pictures of doing keg stands after you've graduated college is a little immature.


4. For the love of all that is holy, please don't post pictures of your kids!!!  Do I want to know if you have kids?  Of course.  But I just don't think a dating site is the place to post their pictures.  


5. Look like the pictures you post.  Seriously.  Remember my "One and Done" post? I wasn't kidding when I said he didn't look a thing like his pictures.  I know that hair color might change, but there should be no question when I see you face to face that you are the person I have been talking to.  


6. I don't want to see pictures of your penis.  Enough said.


Let's move on to the profile...


1. Don't leave it blank!  Picture it...the internet...2012...a guy sends me a message and asks if I would go out with someone like him.  His picture was...ok...so I checked out the profile.  Outside of the questions they MAKE you answer (city, hair color, eye color, etc), the "About Me" section was blank.  So my response to him was that I couldn't answer the question since I didn't know anything about him.


2. Don't talk about money.  I don't give a damn what kind of car your drive or how big your house is, so don't talk about it.  Dude from number 1 said that he felt like writing about himself was bragging.  No dude, you are just being lazy.  


3. Please remember that it's hard to read sarcasm on the internet when you don't know the person.  Dude said that his idea of the perfect first date would be dinner followed by sex.  Then he told me that of course he was just kidding and couldn't believe that anyone would take him seriously and I must not have a sense of humor.  Sigh...


4. Be honest about what you want.  For the love of Pete, do not say that you are looking for a long term relationship if all you really want is a one night stand or an FBW (I had to ask what this was...friends with benefits).


And now the best part...messages!!


1. Be original.  I swear, if I get one more "Love the red hair" I'm gonna scream.  I wrote a profile with fun and quirky info about me so you would have something to comment on.  


2. Saying "I'd hit that" probably isn't going to get a response.  It's actually gonna get you blocked...just sayin.


3. Don't send me a message with your phone number and tell me to call/text you.  Ummm...no.  Did I ask for your number?  If you want mine, ask for it.  Stop being lazy and make a damn effort.


4. Remember...this is your chance to impress me.  To do this, use proper grammar, English, and punctuation.  If you read my profile, you would know that I hate text typing and writing in all caps.  I think it is lazy, plain and simple.  And I don't date lazy people.


5. Be engaging in your conversation.  Repeatedly using one word answers or responses like "nice," "cool," and "yep" and I'm likely to not continue our little chat.  


6. No, I will not be your friend on Facebook, so don't ask.  While you are at it, why don't you just ask me for my social security number and my address?